


I Don't Want To Fall To Pieces

by reliquiaen



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6232696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reliquiaen/pseuds/reliquiaen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She takes a few deep breaths, feeling her lungs expand as far as they can go before slowly exhaling. It’s stupid, she knows, but afterwards she feels better, calmer. A little more like a human being." - High School AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Want To Fall To Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a song by Avril Lavigne of the same name do not judge me. And if you look closely, you might even spot the moment I realised it was 1am and laziness won out. Would've had a part two if not for that.

As common as it is for Asuka to come home of an afternoon in a flurry of emotion (usually ire), the fact that she breezes through the door, offers her mother the merest of greetings before flopping face first onto the lounge chair with a groan is definitely not normal. Asuka hugs a cushion to herself, burying her face in to fabric, her feet dangle off the end of the chair. She feels more than anything else when her mother starts frowning at her. The cushion by her knees sinks slightly as Kyoko sits down and rests a hand on Asuka’s back.

“Honey, are you okay?” she asks, rubbing her thumb gently across her spine.

Again, Asuka just groans.

“She’s got a crush.” Her Aunt Mari’s voice is muffled by the cushions but Asuka hears well enough to feel her face heat up. She scrunches the pillow a little closer to her chest. “Aha! Excellent.” Somehow that gesture was confirmation for Mari.

“Is she right?” Kyoko asks quietly.

This time, Asuka’s groan is a little longer and more pained.

“That bad, huh?” Mari teases. She’s circled the couch so she can pat Asuka on the back of her head. “Why don’t you sit up and tell us then?”

Asuka shakes her head against the pillow. But Mari is still patting her and it’s annoying. So she rolls to one side, eyes still closed and she sighs. “In my literature class,” she huffs. Slowly her eyes slide open and she rolls them for good measure. “Also in history and chemistry and…” she pauses, thinking. “Actually we share all our classes it’s really inconvenient.”

She sees Yui sitting on the single seat sofa wearing a knowing little smile that Asuka doesn’t like. But it’s Mari who speaks. “It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

Kyoko makes a strangled sort of noise as if in protest of the assumption but Asuka feels her face redden again even though she doesn’t speak. Mari just grins.

“Predictable,” Yui sighs, standing. She heads for the kitchen where the kettle is currently whistling for attention.

Kyoko offers a glare to Mari but she doesn’t seem perturbed at all by it. Not even when Kyoko laments, “Am I the only straight person in this house?”

Though she does bristle just a little when Mari and Yui (who calls from the kitchen) both reply with a matter of fact, “Yes.”

Asuka closes her eyes again but she can practically feel her mother roll her eyes. It’s fond, she thinks, more for the teasing of her friends than anything else. Kyoko’s fingers continue to smooth across Asuka’s back and it’s nice, reassuring. They don’t mind, she knows this, but something inside still hurts; it tugs at the lining of her stomach uncomfortably.

Mari’s hand is no longer on her head, but she sits carefully on the arm of the chair by Asuka’s face and leans over to look at her properly. “Tell us about her?”

And so Asuka groans again, trying to hide herself in the pillow once more. But Mari’s eyes are kind and her mother looks politely curious. Yui wanders back in then and she hands a cup of tea to Asuka before resuming her seat. They all fix her with expectant expressions and she has to sigh again. It’s obligatory.

“She’s…” And that’s it. One whole word. Asuka shrugs. “Quiet, I guess.”

“You’ve spoken to her though, right?” Kyoko wonders.

“Yes, mum, obviously… A few times.” She adds the second bit just to push it home that she’s not totally pathetic. Although the two times she’d actually exchanged words with her Asuka had been an incoherent mess. So that probably hadn’t helped. “She’s nice though.” There are other words jammed up behind her teeth but Asuka isn’t brave enough to speak them.

“And,” Yui prompts.

“And what?”

Yui just smiles again. “Is she gay?”

Asuka feels her face go bright red again. Her mouth works but no words come out. “I… How should I know? I didn’t ask that’s weird!” She flops over again, tea sloshing in the cup but mercifully it doesn’t spill. And again, she presses her face into the cushions. “Just let me die here,” she grumbles.

Mari bites back a laugh and then Yui’s saying something and chasing her from the room but Kyoko remains. They stay there for a long moment, Asuka wishing the earth would open up and swallow her, Kyoko with her concerned hand. It’s a long while before Asuka finally looks over at her mother.

“Are you alright, Asuka?” Kyoko asks again.

She sucks in a deep breath and on the exhale huffs, “Yeah. I think so. Just…”

“It’s fine you know. Bring her over sometime.” Kyoko offers her a gentle smile and one last bit of reassuring pressure before standing. “What’s her name?”

Asuka blinks at her for a second. And in that second it feels as if saying her name aloud will finally make this all real. Like admitting this girl exists and has a name that Asuka knows is the end of pretending she doesn’t have feelings for her. It’s a strange precipice to stand on and she’s struck by the most impossible sense of vertigo. But her mother is still waiting so she takes another deep breath and readies herself to fall.

“Rei Ayanami.”

 

* * *

 

 

She tries not to, honestly, but Asuka’s eyes have a mind all their own and when she steps into her first class the next morning, they immediately land on Rei. The other girl looks up only briefly when she hears the door and her expression changes so little when she sees Asuka that it’s probably just her imagination. Rei turns away quickly, focusing back on her notes, ever the studious one.

Asuka’s gaze leaves Rei only long enough for her to find her seat. Then she goes back to quietly contemplating Rei’s profile, limned by the sunlight shining through the window on her left. Her heart clenches uncomfortably but she can’t bring herself to look away. Especially not after she made such a fuss that first day about being seated in the ‘L’ section rather than the ‘S’ at the back of the room. Which totally wasn’t because sitting where she was gave her a better view of Rei Ayanami.

(It totally was.)

And she continued to stare at Rei until Ryo flops into the chair beside her and interrupts her contemplation. He’s wearing an impish smile (that all the other girls said was cute) and his curly brown hair always hangs into his eyes (which is apparently also attractive). Asuka supposes she can agree with that assessment superfluously only.

(Which is to say, he isn’t Rei.)

“Good morning, Asuka,” he says brightly, pulling out his notebook.

“Is it?” she teases back. “Maths first thing in the morning is good, is it?”

He laughs. “Well I don’t know why it matters to you, you always do so well.”

Asuka flips her hair haughtily and beams at him, leaning across her desk into his personal space. “My natural talent doesn’t mean I have to enjoy maths first thing.”

Ryo’s eyes sparkle happily and it slugs Asuka in the stomach that these aren’t Rei’s eyes. “Natural talent?” he chortles. “Alright, Langley, talk it up.”

“It’s only talk if I can’t back it up,” she replies, but a little of her flirtatious tone has oozed away, replaced by a rough rasp. She has to mentally gather herself together, shooting a wink Ryo’s way. “And I always follow through.”

Colour tints Ryo’s face as he reads into her words. However, before he can do more than flounder for a suitably witty response to that, their teacher stumbles through the doorway. The lanky fellow drops his things on the desk and begins to write up notes for them. Already, after not even a whole sentence, Asuka is sick of listening to him.

She tilts her face towards Ryo and rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. Ryo smiles but turns to his notes. And that leaves Asuka free to alternate between watching the teacher and staring stupidly at Rei.

 

* * *

 

 

Ryo isn’t in all of Asuka’s classes (thankfully) and that includes her next class; following maths that day is her literature lesson. She sits next to a nice girl called Lana which is a relief truly; Ryo is a lot of effort. Her friend Hikari is also in this class but a row in front and a few seats to her right so Asuka only spares her a quick glance and a short wave before turning back towards Lana. Asuka still pays arguably too much attention to Rei, but that’s okay.

(If Asuka doesn’t who else would?)

As she watches, Rei lifts a slender hand to tuck a few wayward strands of hair behind an ear. It doesn’t serve much purpose; they slip free again not a minute later. Vaguely Asuka wonders what it would be like to do that herself. She feels her face heat in response and shoves the thought away.

By some horrible twist of fate, Rei picks that exact moment to twist and peer over her shoulder. For a second their eyes meet and then Asuka shifts, tearing her gaze away to stare at her notebook. Lana is saying something beside her but Asuka is too busy trying to calm her heart to pay her much mind.

A long minute later she dares to look back up. Rei is no longer looking at her. And Lana is still talking.

Asuka amends her earlier description from just _nice_ to _nice but overly chatty_.

Again, Asuka’s eyes drift to Rei and it’s not until their teacher, Ms Katsuragi, whirls into the room in her usual gale of good cheer that she looks away. Out of the corner of her eye, Asuka can see Rei glance over at her but her gaze doesn’t linger long enough to be noteworthy.

“Guess what, kids?” Katsuragi begins. “I have great news. Starting tomorrow you’ll be working on your group projects for the semester! Isn’t that exciting?”

A collective groan rolls through the room.

“Wow, don’t sound so enthusiastic about it. First thing in tomorrow’s class you’ll have to pick a partner for that. But today, we’re going to be talking about niche literature.”

Asuka’s heart stops and her blood runs cold and panic flares low in her chest. Ryo might not be in this class, but picking a partner is Serious Business. A quick look around the room tells her that she runs a solid risk of being landed with one of the stupid morons who always chat her up in the corridor. As always, her eyes flit to Rei (not without a little pathetic longing either).

A plan starts to formulate in the back of her mind.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time she gets home that afternoon, Asuka has already concocted – and subsequently discarded – no less than eight plans. Three of which all looked remarkably similar to one another. She slouches through the front door working on Plan I and finds Mari sitting on the sofa watching some reality cooking show eating straight out of a tub of ice cream.

“Good afternoon, Your Grumpiness,” Mari says around her spoon. “What’s got your royal knickers in a knot, huh?”

Asuka has to grace that with an eye roll, but she doesn’t respond beyond that. Well, she collapses onto the cushion beside Mari and steals the ice cream, but that’s it. Mari’s teasing smile falls flat.

“Okay, what’s up?”

Asuka stuffs a spoonful into her mouth and exhales before she answers. “Girls are hard.”

Mari’s grin returns. “No duh. Details please.”

“We have paired assessment this semester,” Asuka laments, stabbing the spoon into the ice cream with way more force than she needs to. “And I don’t know if I want to be paired with Rei or not.”

“You know,” Mari begins, ribbing her gently. “If you’re her partner you get to stare at her like a hopeless love-struck fool from up close?”

Asuka levels a glare at her aunt. “That’s not helpful.”

“Obviously it’s not.” They both look up to find Kyoko standing in the kitchen doorway. “Why would you ask Mari for help with girls? She’s useless.”

“Ow hey!” Mari cries, clapping a hand to her chest. “I am not!”

Kyoko snorts. “You are too. You spent like three months dancing around your feelings for Yui in college. You didn’t even flirt with her for at least that long and the one time you tried you failed. Spectacularly. Plus there was that other time–”

“No, Kyoko! Shut up!”

Kyoko just laughs. “Asuka why don’t you talk to Yui?”

“Yeah…” Asuka slides off the sofa, hands still wrapped around the ice cream. “I might.”

“Hey at least leave that!” Mari calls after her. Asuka doesn’t stick around or bother to reply. But she does hear Mari’s grumbled, “I hate you,” no doubt directed at Kyoko.

Asuka patters up the stairs, the house has four bedrooms, but only three are in use, the fourth one – at the end of the hall – is mostly just full of stuff. She catches a glimpse of Yui rummaging around on one of the bookshelves in there and stops in the doorway, knocking softly on the frame.

“Aunt Yui?” she asks softly.

Yui looks up, a dazed sort of confused expression glazing her eyes for a few seconds before she focuses on Asuka. “Hey, what's up?”

Asuka shrugs, not really sure what to even say. “I don't know,” she huffs. She sticks another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth to give herself an excuse not to say more. Yui waits patiently all the same. “I don't know,” she repeats with a pained whine. “We have paired projects and… ugh.”

Yui nods, looking as if she totally understands. “I would suggest partnering with her if for no other reason that it gives you an excuse to talk to her.”

She exhales heavily. “That's more or less what Mari said.”

“Really?” Yui lights up. “Well she would know. In spite of what your mother might tell you, Mari was the one who insisted on us being lab partners. Though…” Yui loses herself in thought for a minute before continuing. “She didn't speak to me without blushing for weeks afterwards and her reasoning was that we were the smartest in the class so… Take from that what you will.”

Again Asuka exhales heavily. She sags backwards against the doorframe already expecting this conflict to twist in her stomach all night keeping her awake. Her mouth twists briefly in distaste. After another second she slouches away from the door.

“Thanks,” she throws over her shoulder as she heads towards her room “I guess.”

 

* * *

 

 

As it turns out, Asuka needn’t have bothered trying to come up with a plan. She feels so ill when she wakes up in the morning that her mother sends her back to bed. So even if she had decided to skip that one class, it wouldn’t have mattered. She missed it anyway. Thankfully her friends kept her posted on work she was missing. And if she were anyone else, she probably would’ve had to visit the doctor. But luckily for her, Yui simply scrawled out a note explaining she’d ‘eaten something icky’ and needed to stay home.

(Almost, Mari wrote ‘suffering from heartache’ underneath but Yui stared her down.)

So the day after that, Asuka shuffles into the classroom for her lesson, which is literature this time. Misato eyes her with confusion but doesn’t speak – obviously – she knows why Asuka was absent yesterday. Still, Asuka’s stomach is roiling and her appetite is almost non-existent and she isn’t sure why she feels this way, truly, but she does know that her face is a pale reflection of the turmoil within. She feels… drawn.

And yet, as she steps in to take her seat she realises someone else has already claimed it. For a second she’s baffled by this. Then Misato says, “Please sit beside Rei, Asuka,” and it clicks.

Partner work. She’s automatically been assigned Rei since no one ever chooses to work with her. Which is horrible, but Rei is always the last one picked.

Rei looks up at the words, surprise flickering across her face before fading to be replaced with something akin to scepticism. Asuka feels warmth crawl across her nose but she rolls her eyes anyway. Her bag thunks heavily to the floor beside the table as she slumps into her newly assigned seat.

“Typical,” she huffs. “I miss one day and I’m landed with wonder girl.” Pink still scribbled across her cheeks Asuka risks a quick peek at Rei. The other girl sits somewhat more hunched over than usual, hair across her face so Asuka can’t see her expression. A pang lurches in her stomach thinking about how she did that.

Once Misato begins the lesson Asuka sighs. Rei keeps her shoulders hunched and the queasy feeling in Asuka’s stomach redoubles. She opens her mouth, wanting to say something, desperate to fix this but not sure how.

“I'm sorry.”

Asuka looks up at Rei’s quiet words. There's a hard set to the soft line of her mouth that just looks wrong. Asuka swallows. “Why?” she rasps.

Another line creases her brow just slightly, mirroring the set of her lips. “For…” Rei exhales. “You're stuck with me for this task now.” As if that is an explanation in and of itself.

Maybe it is.

Asuka opens her mouth again, intending on saying something – anything – to make that awful sadness etched in every angle of Rei’s posture go away. But again the words get stuck.

She glances over her shoulder. Toji winks at her and she sighs. The words don't come.

 

* * *

 

Sakura looks empathetic. “That sucks Asuka,” she says, flopping onto the bench beside her. “It’s hardly fair landing you with Ayanami.”

Hikari bobs her head in agreement. “I was hoping Katsuragi would let me pick you even though you weren’t here,” she adds. Then she shrugs. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll live,” Asuka mumbles waving them away, not sure how she feels. On the one hand, she’s kind of excited to be working with Rei and on the other she’s nauseatingly anxious about it. She prods at her lunch but can’t find the appetite to eat it. Everything feels all knotted up inside.

“You okay?” Sakura bumps their shoulders together. “You look ill.”

“I…” Asuka huffs. “I don’t feel well.” She sucks in a deep breath and fortifies her expression, making sure there’s only determination and cheer there. It feels wrong to wear this, but she manages. “Probably just stress thinking about exams, you know?”

Hikari groans. “Please don’t talk about it. I’m not looking forward the exam block. I’m not ready; can’t they give us another week to brace ourselves?”

It takes a second for Asuka to understand why – exactly – Hikari is so upset. She checks the date on her phone and her stomach lurches as she realises that exam block starts _next week_. Another wave of anxiety rolls into her already crowded stomach and she decides eating lunch is not worth the effort. Her worries she keeps to herself, however.

Aloud, she says, “Thanks, Hikari. I’d forgotten it was that close. I need more things to stress over.” There’s just enough bite in her tone to make it seem like a joke.

“Sorry!” Hikari sings. “Well think about it like this. We’ve got the sports festival tomorrow. And then after exams we get the winter dance. Look forward to that, yeah?”

Asuka rolls her eyes. Because the winter dance is exactly the kind of thing she’s excited for. Clearly. How did her life get so busy without her noticing anyway? Sports festival, exam block, partnering with Rei, winter dance, _feelings_. She did not sign up for all this.

Worse, Ryo flops down across from her at their table. “Hey, Asuka,” he says, a twinkle in his eye. “You feeling better today?”

“Marginally,” she teases. “Why? Do you have a cure for me?”

His smile widens. “Oh… I might. Do you have any spare days next week? I might know a place with food that could cure cancer.”

She beams at him, leaning across the table just slightly knowing the way the neckline of her shirt dips. “Yeah? We might have to see about that then. You’re running tomorrow, aren’t you?”

Ryo’s eyes flick down, just as she’d expected, before settling back on her face. “Yep. You gonna watch?”

Asuka huffs. “I have races of my own, Ryo,” she reminds him. “But I might have time. It’s just… girls don’t date losers.”

Beside her, Hikari sucks in a short breath, lips rolling together to conceal her smile. Inside, Asuka is dying slightly. She wonders if this sick feeling will ever go away.

The bell clangs before Ryo has a chance to say something stupid; he slides from his seat throwing a wink at Asuka. “Well, Langley, I always follow through too.” Then he’s gone and Asuka sighs, relieved.

“Wow,” Sakura laughs. “Make the boy dance, huh, Asuka?”

She glances over at her friend as she stands. “What does that mean?”

Sakura leans into her. “He likes you. But you’re making him work for it. Nice.”

Her heart twangs. “Oh.” For a second she’s left floundering. Then she tosses her hair. “If only I liked him too.”

“Well if he wins his race tomorrow you might have to go out with him anyway,” Hikari points out. “After all that.”

Asuka hesitates, realising she’s right. Across the courtyard she catches sight of Rei and her stomach does another one of its newly mastered acrobatics techniques. Rei’s eyes meet hers just momentarily and something flickers across her face. Asuka can’t identify it, but she swallows, somehow knowing that Rei saw all that. Asuka kinda wants to die right then. Just… wishes the courtyard would open up and take her away from this.

Instead, Asuka ducks her head and hurries away. Of course, Rei is in all her classes so she obviously sees her again. Rei glances at her a couple of times throughout their last few lessons but Asuka tries not to notice. Tries. Her gaze – as always – slips to Rei numerous times, but there’s hurt in her features, sorrow. And Asuka _aches_ with the echoes of it.

 

* * *

 

It’s three forty-five. The school is empty.

Except for Asuka.

She stands over a sink in the girls’ bathroom staring at the water pouring from the tap. Or at least, she’s staring through tears at the water. Asuka figures if there was anyone left on campus maybe they wouldn’t hear her crying over the sound of the tap. She hopes that anyway.

Her hands curl into fists on the faux-marble bench top. The tears don’t stop just because she’s angry at them, her stomach doesn’t stop boiling just because she’s so frustrated at herself. Her breath hitches in her throat and more tears leak across her cheeks; there’s so much pressure on her ribs, not enough air getting into her lungs.

Asuka clenches her teeth together but it doesn’t stop the strangled sound of her sobbing. Everything just builds and builds and builds and she keeps it all inside; really it was only a matter of time before it got to be too much. She can’t put it into words either which drives her _crazy_.

She thinks she might drown with how much it hurts.

It hurts to look at Rei and know the other girl probably doesn’t want her. It hurts to _feel_ for her. It hurts to want to give her _everything_ and not be able to. It hurts to watch her aunts flirt so outrageously when she can’t believe that’s something she could have. It hurts to flirt with those boys. It hurts to look at them and think of Rei, how they’re not her. It hurts to think she’s using them in a game they don’t know they’re playing. But it also hurts thinking about what would happen if everyone knew she likes Rei. It hurts thinking about all the horrible ways things could fall apart.

Her fingers curl into her palms until her knuckles are white and she can feel her nails biting the skin. But still she can’t stop crying, can’t stop the way she hunches into herself. She can’t shake the tang in her mouth or the upset heaving of her stomach.

How can she possibly carry all this and still have time to worry about exams and sports festivals and dating and dances? How can one heart bear it all without cracking?

The outer door creaks and Asuka sniffs, fear straightening her posture. She scrubs furiously at her face but the inner door is already opening and there’s no chance she can hide the fact that she’s been crying. All she can do is hope it’s the janitor and that no weird questions will be asked.

It’s not the janitor.

It’s Rei.

And her eyes are sort of bloodshot. Asuka knows what tears look like right before they fall, and they glisten in Rei’s surprised brown eyes. Rei’s mouth open just slightly and she blinks, clearly suppressing the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. For a second Rei stands there, staring at her, and then she steps inside, the door swinging shut behind her. She stands by the sink, a few strides from Asuka and they continue to watch each other without speaking.

Something thrums between Asuka’s ribs like static and she sucks in a sharp breath that whistles between her teeth. She can feel another tear slip free and slide down her cheek. Asuka wipes it away fiercely but Rei says nothing. In fact, she takes a hesitant step closer, head tilting to one side.

There’s a moment then, it’s strange, Rei watches her so carefully with such kindness locked behind her eyes. And Asuka knows – somehow – that when she lifts a hand towards her Rei means to try and comfort her, to hug her. That realisation prompts a stutter in her chest and it makes her want to cry again. Almost Asuka lets her. (A hug from Rei might be nice, she thinks.)

But then it occurs to her what’s going on here. Another breath hitches in her throat, catching. She wants to let Rei approach, wants to know what it feels like to tuck her face into her shoulder and feel her hands on her back. But she’s been standing in the bathroom crying about how much everything hurts for the last twenty minutes. There’s too much of a mess vibrating in her chest cavity, too much confliction shaking through her fingers.

She wants to hug Rei.

But not like this.

Asuka sniffs, she brushes past Rei and steps towards the exit. Before her hand even touches the handle though she pauses and turns back. Rei is still watching her, a quietly concerned expression ghosting across her face. Asuka’s heart aches again, throbbing painfully.

“Please,” Asuka murmurs. “Don’t tell anyone.”

Rei blinks before whispering, “I won’t. I promise.”

Then Asuka’s fingers finally fold around the handle. “Thank you,” is all she can muster before fleeing from the space.

Even as she steps outside, she’s still rubbing tears from her face. She stands in the quad for a few minutes, gathering her composure, feeling it wrap around her like a blanket. Or maybe slowly filling up the walls she keeps between herself and everyone else like those tiles in a Tetris game. _Click, click, click_ , they go as the fall into place.

She takes a few deep breaths, feeling her lungs expand as far as they can go before slowly exhaling. It’s stupid, she knows, but afterwards she feels better, calmer. A little more like a human being.

Rather than wait for the next bus or call her mother or something, Asuka walks home. It’s only about a twenty minute trip and the weather isn’t so bad. Plus it gives her time to pretend like she hasn’t been crying. By the time she pushes the front door inwards, she’s convinced it’ll be almost impossible to tell how she spent her afternoon.

It’s too much to hope.

Mari is passing through the living room as she enters, eyes on her phone. She looks up when she hears the door and stops midstride to smile teasingly at Asuka just as she always does. But there must be something in the slump of Asuka’s shoulders, something in the way her eyes can’t look anywhere but at the carpet. Maybe she looks defeated, exhausted, wiped totally clean. Empty.

The little smile falls from Mari’s face. “Hey, princess,” she says lowly. “What’s the matter?”

Asuka doesn’t cry again, but she can feel that sand paper sensation in the back of her throat all the same. “I just…” she huffs. “Ugh. It was a long day.”

Her lie is obviously transparent, Mari knows her better than to believe it. But her aunt just nods slowly, taking her at face value for once in her life. (That’s an indication of something seriously wrong, she supposes.)

But Asuka is just tired. Down to her bones and in her marrow tired. Like if she tries to do one single more thing today she’ll pass out on the spot. So she hauls her bag up the stairs to her room and flops face first onto her bed with every intention of doing just that.

Incidentally, she doesn’t sleep much that night. Despite her best efforts and despite crying some more until she’s sure there’s no moisture left in her body, she doesn’t manage more than a few spotty hours. Tops. And though maybe she should, Asuka doesn’t bother eating dinner, either.

She hears her mother a few times, stopping outside her door to listen. But somehow Asuka manages to stifle her sobs long enough for her mother to pass on. She clutches her pillow tighter and tries to convince herself that everything is fine.

It’s fine.

It’s fine.

 _It’s fine_.

(It’s not.)

 

* * *

 

Asuka eats breakfast in the morning even though she still feels ill. Even with food in her stomach, her lack of sleep the night before has left her with a headache and her vision is sort of blurry. Like she’s looking at everything through water or something. It’s kind of annoying.

Still, she puts on her face for the day, fakes a few smiles, cracks a few bad jokes and makes it to the sports festival perfectly well, thank you. By this point Asuka likes to think she’s pretty convincing in the Faking It department. Her friends buy it at least. She doesn’t know about her family.

“Morning, Asuka!” Hikari greets her enthusiastically. Sakura is wandering around with a first aid kit for the day, treating basic injuries (more serious stuff will still require a trip over to the infirmary). But Hikari isn’t alone; Ryo and Toji are with her. Though as soon as she speaks they both look up to grin stupidly at Asuka.

“Morning, Hikari,” she replies softly, dropping her bag under the tree her friend has staked out. “Ready to perve on all the boys?”

Asuka means it jokingly but Hikari still blushes just a little. “Oh yeah, always. You look a little tired.”

She says that just as Asuka is stifling a yawn. “Oh you know. Too busy studying to sleep,” she quips. What a horrible lie.

Hikari just laughs. “I hear you. Just don’t trip over alright?”

Asuka rolls her eyes. But Ryo is the one who speaks. “She’s gonna win her race,” he chuckles. “Because, you know… Guys don’t date losers either.”

“Mmm,” she hums, waving a hand as if asking him to bring it on. “Talk it up, Laos. You’re the one who came to me.”

Ryo is still smiling all the same. “Uh huh,” he sing-songs. He doesn’t get a chance at a witty retort though; his race is being called over the PA system. As he and Toji start to walk away, Ryo flashes her one more charming grin.

Hikari nudges her gently in the ribs and she groans. “Marry him,” she giggles.

“Oh, Hikari,” Asuka sighs. “I’m fifteen. I’m not marrying Ryo.”

“Not now, obviously,” she laughs. “Later though.”

Asuka groans and falls backwards to lie on the grass, head pillowed on her bag. “Nuh uh,” she maintains. “I have higher standards than Ryo Laos.”

She can practically _feel_ when Hikari lifts a disbelieving eyebrow. “You do, really? How high are they?”

“Ah, they’re intense,” Asuka mumbles, closing her eyes. “He can’t ever hope to compete.”

“Wow, Langley,” Hikari exhales. “Whoever wins you over will be a sight to see.”

Asuka maybe dozes a little then. Maybe. She thinks she pretty aware of what’s going on. She knows she hears Sakura stop by at one point (and poke her in the forehead). But then the next thing she knows Hikari is shaking her shoulder.

“Hey, Asuka,” she’s saying, “Your race is starting hurry up.”

She blinks blearily and sits up, rubbing a hand across her face. Hikari is still prodding her and she finally registers the voice booming across the oval talking about lining up for the race. Urgency flares through her chest and she staggers upright.

“Thanks,” she hollers at Hikari as she charges down the hill. Asuka nearly pitches face first into the grass but somehow saves herself as she skids to a stop at the starting line. She arrives just in time to call, “Present,” when her name is asked for attendance.

Now that she’s standing on her mark time seems to slow imperceptibly. It just feels like it takes _ages_ for the rest of the names to be noted and then it drags as the starter gets ready and the clocks are prepared and the timers are all synched. But then they’re all set and ready to go and Asuka feels her heart slowly pick up in rhythm, anticipation for the race.

Asuka crouches, bracing herself, already feeling the muscles in her legs set to launch her down the track. Her vision blurs a little, her head swims, a headache pounding loudly behind her eyes and sound seems to filter through wool before reaching her ears. But physically she’s ready. Wired almost.

She hears the crack of the pop gun mutedly through the wool, but her body reacts automatically. Her feet move in tandem to the pounding against her skull. For the first hundred metres she’s fine.

And then she’s falling.

Asuka doesn’t know how it happens, her legs sort of… stop doing what they should be, turning to jelly beneath her. The world spins violently and it makes her want to throw up. She rolls once, twice, three times and stops, lying on the track unable to breathe. She can’t get any oxygen into her lungs no matter how hard she sucks at the air.

Vaguely she recognises that she’s winded herself. Then something warm stings her eyes and for a horrifying second Asuka thinks she’s crying again. One shaking hand lifts to press the tears aside but her fingers come away bloody. And she still can’t breathe.

Her whole body is trembling and her vision is still swimming between two and three sets of everything. But then there are warm things on her face. She thinks it might be Sakura with her first aid kit. At least until her vision blurs together briefly and Rei’s face comes into focus.

“Rei?” she asks, sounding distant in her own ears.

“Are you okay?” Rei asks her softly. Asuka can only nod dumbly. “Can you stand?”

She inhales but nothing happens. Rei seems to know exactly what she means though and slides a hand between her shoulder blades, helping her to sit up. Her hand doesn’t move from Asuka’s back but she shuffles around slightly so she can see her face better.

“Don’t panic, Asuka,” Rei tells her, voice so calm and gentle. “You’re okay. Just breathe slowly for me.”

Her chest rattles, desperate for air, but something about staring into Rei’s eyes is soothing. So Asuka does what she says. It takes a moment but then Asuka is breathing just fine, shoulder slumping as she relaxes.

Then Rei takes her elbow and helps her stand, guiding her off the track. One of the teachers is watching them carefully and Hikari is standing not far off but no one else seems too bothered by it. Faintly she’s aware of the teacher asking Rei to escort her to the infirmary.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Asuka spits vehemently. Though she wobbles when she tries to step away from Rei and the other girl hastens to let her go. But Asuka loses her balance and falls back against her shoulder. “God damn it,” she grumbles. “Stuck with you again, huh, Ayanami? Grand.”

Rei eyes her sadly, but leads her away from the sports field all the same. It takes them a few minutes to get through all the milling students and Asuka’s left leg doesn’t support her very well at all. She thinks she might have rolled her ankle, how typical.

Once they make it up the rise and into the campus proper there are no more students left to see them and Asuka lets her weight settle a little more against Rei. “Hey,” she mumbles. “I’m sorry, Rei. About before. Thank you.”

Rei seems honestly stunned by this. “It’s okay,” she whispers back. “I’m used to it.”

Asuka’s heart breaks a little. “Just because you’re used to it doesn’t make it okay,” she grumbles. “And hey? I’m actually kinda glad we’re paired for that assignment. I didn’t mean what I said.”

She can see on Rei’s face the obvious question to follow that up with: _then why say it_? But as usual, Rei keeps her peace. For a moment they walk – or hobble in Asuka’s case – in silence.

“Rei?” Asuka asks softly. “I really am sorry, you know. For the things I’ve said.”

The other girl eyes her carefully but only shrugs, holding the door of the infirmary open so Asuka can step inside. She sinks gratefully onto one of the beds by the window while Rei talks to the nurse. Weirdly, Rei is the one to bring a first aid kit to her bed and after a moment’s hesitation, she sits beside Asuka.

“The nurse is busy,” Rei explains. “If you want…”

“Would you help me?” Asuka asks before Rei can back out of whatever she was going to suggest. “Please?”

A tiny smile flickers across Rei’s lips and Asuka’s heart skips a beat. Rei merely nods once decisively and opens the box, setting aside disinfectant and swabs and gauze and bandages. Asuka watches her hands as they move so deftly about the items. She closes her eyes when Rei’s fingers – so warm and kind – sweep her hair aside to clean up the cut on her forehead. She sighs when her fingers skitter across Asuka’s wrist to tidy the grazing across the heel of her palm. Her hands are so careful as they test Asuka’s ankle, deciding at length that she has rolled it and then winding bandage around the joint to support it.

Sometime in there, Asuka’s eyes open again. Even though her vision is still a little fuzzy, she stares at Rei’s face. Watching the way her expression changes in minute ways, concentration and concern tilting her mouth in different ways.

The desire to kiss her slugs Asuka in her stomach.

She wrestles the thought away, forcing it down and out of sight.

“Asuka?” Rei eventually wonders, looking up from packing the things back into the box. Asuka hums. “Are you… The other day… Are you alright?”

The question surprises her, admittedly. And for a second she isn’t sure how to answer. “Uh… Yeah… Just stressed,” she sighs. “There’s, you know… a lot going on right now.”

Rei doesn’t look convinced, but she nods, standing.

“Rei?” The other girl stops in the action of leaving. Asuka has to swallow. “Will you… stay?”

For a moment nothing happens. And then, very minutely, Rei bobs her head. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

“Ugh.”

Mari smirks. “Still with the girl troubles, huh, princess?”

“Ugh.”

“Just…” Mari pauses, swiping a finger across her phone screen with an overly dramatic flourish. “Just tell her how you feel. You’ve got the whole weekend to work up to it.”

There’s a pause.

“ _Ugh_.”

 

* * *

 

Asuka sits in the library on Monday morning intent on doing revision. She slept better over the weekend but she still feels uncommonly exhausted. And there’s a maths exam that afternoon. She has no idea what _idiot_ thought it was a good idea to put a maths exam on a Monday but he did and she hates him.

Still. It’s not until after lunch so she steps outside to stretch her legs. Asuka doesn’t think she’ll be able to stomach food until after the exam but at the very least she doesn’t want to be restless. So she wanders through the campus, limping a little still off her left foot. It seems so weird all empty and quiet like this. Like it’s right out of a zombie movie or something.

She catches sight of something on top of the art block and stops to squint up at it, one hand coming up to shade her eyes from the sunlight. At first the shape is indistinguishable from the blue of the sky.

But then she realises it’s Rei.

Her heart lurches in that newly familiar way and she sighs. At first, Asuka considers walking on and ignoring her. But this is becoming a regular problem and she thinks maybe it’s time she takes Mari’s advice. (Not that she’d ever tell Mari that she had good advice, let the record stand.)

Regardless, she takes a deep breath and ducks inside. There’s a stairwell at the back of the art block right by the store room. Why they need access to the roof is a mystery, but they have it and Rei sits up there during lunch. By herself.

The door squeals unhappily as it opens and crashes shut behind Asuka and she cringes at the noise. Rei gives no outward indication that she heard it, but she must have. _Everyone_ would’ve heard it.

Without speaking, Asuka sits down beside Rei, legs dangling off the edge of the roof. They’re not especially close, she doesn’t think, but maybe closer than she would normally sit. The fact that she’s analysing their proximity is probably not a good sign for her mental health.

Rei doesn’t say anything. Though she does offer her lunch to her; an assortment of fruits and salad. Asuka shakes her head and stares off into the horizon. Rei continues to eat quietly beside her. And when she’s done she snaps the lid closed and sets it beside her, folding her hands in her lap. Asuka’s fingers tighten on the edge of the building but still Rei doesn’t speak.

Asuka thinks maybe she might want to. There are a lot of words pinging off her ribs, twitching in her mouth, begging to be voiced. But she doesn’t know which ones to say, what order to put them in, how best to articulate how she’s feeling. She turns to look at Rei.

The curve of her nose the angle of her chin, the way her mouth sits so gently and her hair falls in her face, stirred by the lazy breeze. The way her eyes glitter softly in the sunlight and they flick towards Asuka before darting away again. Her lips curl upwards in the tiniest of smiles though and Asuka is struck by that feeling… of wanting to kiss her.

She doesn’t. But very slowly she shuffles a little bit closer to Rei. Their hips bump and their shoulders brush and Asuka can smell the kind of floral shampoo Rei uses. There is no acknowledgement for this action.

But when Asuka reaches for Rei’s hand she gets a shocked look. Asuka swallows; wondering if that’s all she’ll get. Wondering if maybe she’s gone too far and she should just go now. And then Rei turns her hand over so their palms line up and her fingers wind together with Asuka’s and that little smile dances across her face again. It’s coloured with confusion but it’s there and Asuka supposes that’s what matters. It sure makes her heart do a stupid erratic dance anyway. Plus, in an agonising way, Asuka just _knows_ she’s blushing.

She thinks maybe she should say something? But she doesn’t even get her mouth open before the bell tolls above the administration building. One exam is over and now it’s their turn. Ugh, the maths test, the highlight of her day.

Rei is still looking at her with that amazingly soft expression though and for a second she pretends there is no maths exam and that they can sit here for the next five hours. They don’t, Rei is studious and she stands, tugging Asuka with her. She doesn’t let go of her hand though. That’s a good sign right?

“Can we…” Asuka manages to rasp. “Um… Can we talk? Later?”

She gets a quiet – if still somewhat confused – nod in exchange. Then their fingers are unwinding and Rei is backpedalling very slowly towards the stairwell. Asuka watches her go and has to shake herself awake before she follows.

 

* * *

 

She heaves a deep sigh of relief at the end of the exam and as she steps outside she wonders if maybe she should wait here for Rei? But maybe it’s too public? After a long second of dithering she heads back to the art block. Rei will know where to find her. (She hopes.)

She does. Asuka has her head tilted right back, face pointed at the heavens with her eyes closed when the door makes that godawful squealing sound again. She just about jumps out of her skin as she spins, jarring her still sore ankle in the process. Asuka winces but then she sees Rei and all the breath leaves her lungs.

Rei looks a little worried, like perhaps she hadn’t actually expected Asuka to show up. But she’s here and her hair is all ruffled around her face as if she’d run her hands through it repeatedly and for no reason Asuka wants to dwell on, that thought dissipates all the moisture in her mouth. She could probably stare at Rei forever and not get bored, what a stupid thought.

Neither of them speak. Maybe they don’t know what to say. Maybe Asuka’s just completely forgotten how to put a coherent sentence together because Rei’s just really pretty and she has that effect. Who knows?

At length, Asuka finds a few shreds of bravery and speaks. “Hey um…” The bravery fades but she scrunches her face up, determined to get this out. “Listen, uh… I really like you.” The words are rushed at the end, forced in the wake of her complete lack of courage.

And they are met with silence.

Rei’s expression changes very slightly. She still looks confused and worried, but now she also looks surprised and wary. It’s an impressive combination. Rei says not a word. She just wears this little frown and watches Asuka disbelievingly.

Asuka can feel her face fall, her heart break, the air stuttering out of her lungs with a sense of finality, of defeat. It takes a moment but then the pang of hurt hits her low, near her diaphragm. She’s already decided she should just go and salvage whatever dignity she can before Rei speaks.

“No, wait,” Rei whispers, clearly knowing Asuka is ready to bolt. She takes a few hesitant steps towards her. “I quite like you also,” she eventually adds. Asuka doesn’t mention the lengthy pause but Rei must know what she’s thinking. She shrugs. “I’m not used to being noticed.”

Asuka doesn’t know whether the feeling in her chest is heartbreak for Rei or some sort of happiness that Rei doesn’t hate her. It’s weird. But her mouth twitches upwards into a smile and very carefully she folds her arms around Rei’s neck. She presses her nose into Rei’s shoulder and sighs.

“I’m sorry,” Asuka mutters.

Rei’s arms settle around her waist and Asuka feels her lean into the hug. “Why are you sorry?” Then a second later, “Why are you crying?”

It takes Asuka a good beat to realise that yes, she is in fact crying. Not only that, but she’s shaking again. Great.

“I… don’t know. I’m sorry for the things I’ve said, for how people treat you.” She sucks in a breath. “I’m just sorry for everything, you deserve better.”

Rei’s hold on her contracts slightly. “And the crying thing,” she prompts.

Asuka bites back a laugh. “I do seem to cry around you a lot, huh. That’s awful. It’s not your fault, I promise. I’m just…” She sighs, tucking her face a little further into Rei’s collar. “Happy.”

She feels when Rei hums, the vibrations echoing through her chest. Then Rei leans away, just slightly, and her gentle hands brush at Asuka’s face, banishing the tears. Rei’s smile is still tiny, but it’s luminous and it fills Asuka with warmth.

“Rei?”

“Yes?”

Asuka bites her lip. “Can I kiss you?”

Rei seems to pause, like she’s been struck by something beyond her comprehension. Eventually she nods just a little.

She tries. Really. But Asuka’s still trembling from head to toe and she completely misses. Her kiss lands on Rei’s nose which… not what she intended at all. Not even a little.

But Rei giggles and the sound is precious so maybe it isn’t the end of the world so she laughs too. Rei’s fingers curl around Asuka’s cheek and guide her in the right direction; they’re both still smiling like idiots when their lips meet. Asuka feels Rei sigh into her mouth and a thought blooms in the back of her mind.

She’s kissing Rei. Honest to goodness kissing Rei Ayanami.

On the roof of the art block.

She’s not sure this is real in the slightest.

The best part is when Rei kisses her back.


End file.
